Here, no doubt, is the exact view that inspired Paul Kelly’s “From St Kilda to Kings Cross“.

I want to see the sun go down, from St Kilda Esplanade
Where the beach needs reconstruction, where the palm trees have it hard
I’d give you all of Sydney Harbour, all that land, and all that water
For that one sweet promenade

We may have to get Mr. Kelly in for a musical protest should Channel Nine, flush from the “success” of The Block’s renovation of the Gatwick Hotel, turn its greedy mitts toward these public conveniences par excellence.

But if the subterranean property boom is the next big thing (the supra-terranean boom, of course, having petered out in 2018) we suggest a better way. Adjacent to the toilets and built into the same embankment walls are the Esplanade Vaults—ten arched shopfronts that tunnel back into the embankment.

Built in 1891 but bricked up in the 1970s, these long-abandoned vaults will not disappoint the astute owner-occupier or investor looking to get in on the ever-popular human mouse-hole style.

As an added bonus, the vaults are haunted—the odd poltergeist will save on moving costs, and should anyone have the shit scared out of them, well, we know just the place.